Birthday Ruminations

Today I turn 53. Not a major milestone like when you turn a birthday ending in 0 or 5…but a milestone nonetheless. You see, 50 years ago I turned 3, not knowing or understanding that it would be the last birthday (and Thanksgiving) that my dad would see me celebrate. I don't remember my dad…just the emptiness his absence caused.
Interestingly, that long ago birthday was also on a Wednesday. So it is that today I find myself pondering the loss of dad, the intervening years, and the life that I have meandered through. There is a lot of my childhood I don't remember and most of what I do are the times I would prefer to forget; however, wedged in between those memories are smidgeons of happiness.
Summers spent with Grandma and Grandpa thinking that all kids did the same – finding out as an adult that we were lucky to have had the experience. But before the summer with Grandma and Grandpa could start, there was the 8 hour road trip from Sylmar to Clear Lake with Uncle Jack. Grandma and Grandpa moved to Clear Lake from Burbank in 1962 after Grandpa retired. For the next six years, until we moved to the lake, that road trip along Highway 99 was magical. We would sing hymns, read road signs, stop alongside the road for meals (packed in an ice chest not at a restaurant), and us kids would sleep – sometimes! One of my fondest recollections is the smell and feel of the moving blankets that Uncle Jack would use to make a bed in the back of the station wagon.
Those summers were spent learning how to: water ski, garden, fix things, paint (houses, not art), fish, and how to annoy my big brother. I remember Grandma most for her incredible cooking (wish I would have learn some of her tricks!), taking us to church on Sunday, and making sure we went to Vacation Bible School. Without her, I would not know God as intimately as I do. Thanks Gram! Then there was Grandpa. My basic love of the outdoors, gardening, and making things came from him. He taught me about organic gardening and composting long before it was the "in" thing and he taught me a lot about fishing (making weights, tying leaders, baiting the hook, cleaning the fish – with an anatomy lesson on their innards thrown in – and most importantly, patience).
Life in a single-parent household was different for my brother and me with Grandma, Grandpa, and Uncle Jack so closely involved.
As an adult, my life has taken a very meandering path to where I am today. Enlisting, after high school, in the Navy where I learned about electronics and computers, marriage-divorce-marriage (just about that fast), moving to Oregon with my second husband, two children, divorce again, being a single parent without the support that my mom had experienced, another failed marriage, move to Texas for what I was sure was my final marriage only to have it end like the previous ones. Through it all I am so thankful that God guided me to where I am because Houston is the first place that felt like home. My roots are actually in Texas and Oklahoma, so in a way, I have come home.
This is my fifth holiday season in my own home. This year my daughter and youngest granddaughter are living with me and I find myself hoping that I can be the kind of support for them that my grandparents were for me. I find great joy that Isabella loves to be outside with Grammie…hopefully we will spend long hours together learning about butterflies, birds, gardening, and life. One day she will also get to learn about her big sister, Elizabeth. Not having seen my oldest granddaughter since she was one, it was great this year getting photos from her adoptive mom. She looks happy and healthy – what more could you ask for?
So, the next chapter of my life begins. Learning to make jewelry and studying holistic health during the past couple of years has re-awakened my love of nature and I look forward to the next phase of my professional life. I am comfortable in my singlehood and with who I have become as a woman. I would have loved for Dad to be part of my life but I have learned to embrace his absence because without that emptiness, I wouldn't be the woman I am today – strong, confident, ever hopeful, and so truly blessed by God's hand.
Namaste.