Oncology Visit

So the next step in this process was to see the oncologist. Liked her a lot. She is going to use my case at the next tumor board because there is some rarity to my case -- guess that sort of makes me a celebrity! LOL

Looks like I will most likely have chemo over the course of 5 months and that it starts about a month after surgery. She reassured me that they have some great drugs in their arsenal to combat nausea and vomiting (I sure hope so!) and that I will lose my hair. The good part is that insurance will pick up the cost of my new "hair". Just ordered a couple of wigs and scarves to keep my little bald head warm. (Since I love scarves, I will probably be wearing those the most.)

The hardest part of all of this is all of the things that need to be taken care of prior to surgery. This is really the first time I dislike being single because there isn't a significant other to help with all the details...everyday there is something else I find that needs to be done. I am grateful that Teri is there and is helpful, but it isn't quite the same.

While I am very positive and have faith in God, I feel I need to say something for all my friends and relatives. Please pardon my abruptness...but, everyone needs to understand and not be afraid to admit that I may die from this. There...I said the "d" word. Yes, there are great new medicines -- but not for my type of cancer. Even if there were...they don't really know what the outcome will be...it IS in God's hands. Like I said in an earlier post, I am OK with whatever the outcome.

Life throws us some funny curves. Remember to let the people you love KNOW that you love them and really take a look at your life. Is it the life you want to lead? If not, change it. Life is much too short and we just never know when that final bell will be rung.

Namaste.

Surgery Scheduled

Got the call today. Surgery is scheduled for September 29th. I go in the afternoon of the 28th to get injected with dye, then back the morning of the 29th for surgery. Will keep everyone posted.

Namaste

Surgical Consult

Surreal. Finally received the complete core biopsy results.

Diagnosis: INVASIVE DUCTAL CARCINOMA WITH APOCRINE FEATURES AND ASSOCIATED LYMPHOCYTIC INFILTRATE, INTERMEDIATE TO HIGH NUCLEAR GRADE, NOTTINGHAM HISTOLOGIC GRADE 2.

In addition to that diagnosis, the cancer is triple negative. That means that it is not receptive to estrogen, progesterone, or HER2.

What all that means: it is a more agressive cancer and there isn't a targeted therapy for it.

Saw a surgeon today...meeting with an oncologist on Wednesday. Will be scheduled for surgery soon and will post a date as soon as I know. I will be getting a double-mastectomy with chemo to follow.

So...that is from the logical side...now from the emotional side....

OMG...it is pretty surreal. My faith is strong and I truly believe that whatever the outcome...it is ok. While y'all pray for me, please also pray for my family -- that they have the strength and faith needed for the road ahead.

Final Biopsy Results

My nurse practitioner just called and the final result is that I have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (IDC). The tumor is just 1 cm so it is Stage 1 at this point because the ultrasound didn't show involvement of the lymph nodes. Final staging won't occur until surgery when they look more closely at the lymph nodes.

The good news is that this is the most common kind of cancer, with 80% of diagnoses falling in this category.

We are looking at 4-6 weeks before I see a surgeon at MD Anderson. In the meantime, I will be looking at options.

Keep the faith!

Living Faith

Have you ever just "known"? I did...and thankfully I followed that feeling. On August 24th, I was diagnosed with breast cancer after an initial radiologists report of "everything is normal". Because I was concerned that I had inflammatory breast cancer -- the rare, really bad kind of breast cancer -- I just knew I couldn't take his word for it. MD Anderson came to mind. I felt that if they said I didn't have it, I could believe them.

I self-referred and was seen within a week. The Nurse Practitioner I saw didn't feel I had IBC; however, she did feel something in the other breast. I was scheduled for more mammograms and ultrasounds, with biopsies if needed, on the following Tuesday (August 24th). The radiologist was certain what was being seen on ultrasound was a benign lesion but was going to biopsy just to make sure. When he came back in and said it wasn't all benign and they needed to do a core biopsy...he was so caring and shocked that it came back something other than benign. I wasn't.

The Nurse Practitioner was surprised too. Funny, I reassured them both I wasn't surprised because my faith in that "knowing" is what had brought me there.

So where am I in the process? Waiting. She said she would submit me for a surgical appointment but that it would be late September before I was seen...which is ok because we have to wait for the results of the core biopsy. I should hear something by Monday. So in roughly 15 days I went from "all clear" to "you have breast cancer".

My choice of treatment was made back when I was a teen. Everything I have learned in the intervening years about medicine and cancer treatments only serves to solidify my earlier decisions.

Double mastectomy (without reconstruction), no chemo nor radiation, holistic health protocols only.

The one thing I want to make sure everyone understands is how very strong my faith is. I don't need to hear how I will beat this or how many advances here have been in its treatment. You see, I believe in God and His abiding love. However this turns out is ok because I ask for His will to be done in my life. Don't pray for healing, pray for His will. Do I want to live? Of course I do...but I am truly ok if that isn't the outcome...after all I will be going home (just a little sooner than expected).

Namaste!

Settling

One of the most important concepts of contemplative living is that of living in "unified relationship with oneself" because without that unity, it is impossible to achieve the balance of living "in unified relationship with God, others, and nature." I have to know myself before I can know others and become part of that wonderful sea that is humanity.
I am reminded of something from the movie Runaway Bride — the female lead, played by Julia Roberts, immediately "liked" whatever her prospective husband liked and yet had no idea what she herself liked apart from him...right down to how she liked (or didn't like) her eggs.
We have all done that to some extent so that we could fit in. But fitting in isn't about liking something because someone else does...it is realizing that we are like a huge jigsaw puzzle where each piece, with its own unique shape, has its perfect spot.
We need to understand our uniqueness so that we can embrace it and take our place "with ourself, God, others, and nature" without settling for less than we are as imperfectly, perfect creations of God.
Namaste.

Birthday Ruminations

Today I turn 53. Not a major milestone like when you turn a birthday ending in 0 or 5…but a milestone nonetheless. You see, 50 years ago I turned 3, not knowing or understanding that it would be the last birthday (and Thanksgiving) that my dad would see me celebrate. I don't remember my dad…just the emptiness his absence caused.
Interestingly, that long ago birthday was also on a Wednesday. So it is that today I find myself pondering the loss of dad, the intervening years, and the life that I have meandered through. There is a lot of my childhood I don't remember and most of what I do are the times I would prefer to forget; however, wedged in between those memories are smidgeons of happiness.
Summers spent with Grandma and Grandpa thinking that all kids did the same – finding out as an adult that we were lucky to have had the experience. But before the summer with Grandma and Grandpa could start, there was the 8 hour road trip from Sylmar to Clear Lake with Uncle Jack. Grandma and Grandpa moved to Clear Lake from Burbank in 1962 after Grandpa retired. For the next six years, until we moved to the lake, that road trip along Highway 99 was magical. We would sing hymns, read road signs, stop alongside the road for meals (packed in an ice chest not at a restaurant), and us kids would sleep – sometimes! One of my fondest recollections is the smell and feel of the moving blankets that Uncle Jack would use to make a bed in the back of the station wagon.
Those summers were spent learning how to: water ski, garden, fix things, paint (houses, not art), fish, and how to annoy my big brother. I remember Grandma most for her incredible cooking (wish I would have learn some of her tricks!), taking us to church on Sunday, and making sure we went to Vacation Bible School. Without her, I would not know God as intimately as I do. Thanks Gram! Then there was Grandpa. My basic love of the outdoors, gardening, and making things came from him. He taught me about organic gardening and composting long before it was the "in" thing and he taught me a lot about fishing (making weights, tying leaders, baiting the hook, cleaning the fish – with an anatomy lesson on their innards thrown in – and most importantly, patience).
Life in a single-parent household was different for my brother and me with Grandma, Grandpa, and Uncle Jack so closely involved.
As an adult, my life has taken a very meandering path to where I am today. Enlisting, after high school, in the Navy where I learned about electronics and computers, marriage-divorce-marriage (just about that fast), moving to Oregon with my second husband, two children, divorce again, being a single parent without the support that my mom had experienced, another failed marriage, move to Texas for what I was sure was my final marriage only to have it end like the previous ones. Through it all I am so thankful that God guided me to where I am because Houston is the first place that felt like home. My roots are actually in Texas and Oklahoma, so in a way, I have come home.
This is my fifth holiday season in my own home. This year my daughter and youngest granddaughter are living with me and I find myself hoping that I can be the kind of support for them that my grandparents were for me. I find great joy that Isabella loves to be outside with Grammie…hopefully we will spend long hours together learning about butterflies, birds, gardening, and life. One day she will also get to learn about her big sister, Elizabeth. Not having seen my oldest granddaughter since she was one, it was great this year getting photos from her adoptive mom. She looks happy and healthy – what more could you ask for?
So, the next chapter of my life begins. Learning to make jewelry and studying holistic health during the past couple of years has re-awakened my love of nature and I look forward to the next phase of my professional life. I am comfortable in my singlehood and with who I have become as a woman. I would have loved for Dad to be part of my life but I have learned to embrace his absence because without that emptiness, I wouldn't be the woman I am today – strong, confident, ever hopeful, and so truly blessed by God's hand.
Namaste.